The theme of my first week was “the first week is always the hardest.” That was the exact phrase I heard from everyone. It seemed a bit like a brush off to me. But in a way it was true. Physically I’m feeling better. I don’t feel great, let’s make that clear. I’m also still the slowest of the bunch doing things. I hope it shows that I’m trying though. Because I am.
Emotionally though the second week was pretty bad. I had a meltdown at the end of a lesson with Jane. She intimidates me. She expects a lot of me. And she should. I’m a big girl I can learn to do what she asks. But I get caught up trying to impress her (which backfires every time), and I take every correction as failure. Not a desirable trait for anyone to have. Do you hear that brain?
But I’m working through it. This job is physically and mentally exhausting. Everyone who works here is super fit and efficient. I want to be like that. And slowly I will be. Even now I’m seeing changes. Rather than going home and collapsing on the floor and moaning, I’m trying to get other work done (laundry, dishes, cross training) so that I don’t have to do anything on my day off. That shows quite a bit of fore thought that I have never possessed. I’m the kid that started every assignment an hour before class.
I’ve always secretly wanted to be one of those characters shaped by hardship. An epic hero like Aragorn, Katniss, or Michael Westen. But even when I felt that I always tempered it with “but that would suck.” And I went about living my life. Now I’m faced with a situation that I can see is really going to shape me for the rest of my life. Now I’m not trying to restore my people’s kingdom, or stuck in a twisted reality tv show, or dealing with the after effects of an abusive father, but hardship is relative. The worst experience you’ve ever had is different for everyone. Also, it’s easiest to stay on the
hard character building path when you have no other choice.
So really this whole grand experiment, is all an exercise in willpower. Can I do it? Ask me again in six months.
Also if I manage to stick this out to the end, I will certainly have no trouble avoiding eating salsa and smelling Sweet Gum leaves. Yes, my sarcasm hand is raised.