So we’re coming to the time of year when people start of conversations by saying “what do you want for Christmas?” For the first time in my life, I can honestly say there is no burning desire in me to get something material. Obviously, I want a saddle, and a new pair of boots, and a pair of sneakers, and a space ship. And I could name a list of about a billion other things. But getting those things wouldn’t make my Christmas. What I really want is to be happy and excited for Christmas this year.
Last year, nothing felt right to me. Instead of feeling excitement and anticipation, all I felt was depression and apathy. I’m usually the first one awake on Christmas morning. I wake up early and wait impatiently for everyone else. This past year Mom came in my room and told me that we weren’t going to have time for breakfast if I didn’t get up. So I got up, and I went through the motions. I ate good food. I talked to my family. I opened presents. But I didn’t taste the food. I don’t know what we talked about. And every present was just another thing to do before I could go back to sleep.
The part that upset me was that I love Christmas. I love hiking through a field in the biting cold to pick out our tree. I love the citrusy pine aroma that pervades the house once it’s up. I love how the cats rub and chew on the lower branches of their new living room fixture. I love getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and finding my way with the light from the tree. I love watching Christmas movies with my family. “It’s a Wonderful Life” “White Christmas” “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” “The Grinch” “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and most importantly “A Christmas Story.” I love Christmas Eve. I love singing and lighting candles (my inner pyro’s favorite part) at church. I love staying up until midnight wrapping gifts. I love opening presents in my pajamas. I love scraping the grits off my plate secretively because I don’t want Mom and Dad to know I didn’t eat them. I love the torturous smell of dinner rolls baking. I love Rotweiler slobber. I love roast beef, roasted potatoes, dinner rolls, shrimp, crackers, hot chocolate, and peppermint ice cream pie. I love when Grandmom finds more presents long after we’ve finished opening them (the Never-Ending Christmas).
Hopefully I can hang on to his feeling. I love Christmas and the lead up to it. It’s a wonderful way to end the year. Especially this year. I’ve felt so horrible all of this year, I’m filled with a lot of hope for next year. I really feel like I’ve clawed my way back on track. I’m excited and prepared for the challenges ahead of me. I welcome the problems of the New Year. But for now, I just need to put on some Christmas songs and bake some cookies. I only hope that when my parents drive around to look at the Christmas lights they wish that I were with them.